Soon There Will Be A Last Time

I held you today and slow danced in that faded, yellow rocker back and forth, back and forth.  Your head on my shoulder, your long legs curled up so you can still fit.  You drifted to sleep, your steady breathing its own sweet lullaby—for my soul rather than yours.

IMG_2215

This time with you is coming to an end.  I know this, and my heart stings with the loss I know is inevitable.  You’re my baby.  It’s true you always will be, but let’s be honest, I won’t always be able to hold you.  Not like this.

Nap time used to hold an excitement for me, as I’d finally have a chance to lay you down and rush downstairs to accomplish “important” things or perhaps enjoy some time for just me.

But as the last of these moments with you appears on the horizon, my idea of “important” is rearranging itself.  I find that rather than rushing downstairs, I linger longer upstairs with you.  I still have things to do, and yes, I do still long for some “me” time.  But I feel these moments slipping away.  I want to stop them…to slow the steady ticking of the clock, but we all know that’s not how time works.

And I have to wonder what all I might miss if I could stop the time.  There are many things I’m sure.

I’d miss seeing you run with all your might, wind whipping your hair, hollering when that kite finally took flight behind you.

I’d miss walking hand in hand, watching your brave and widening eyes, as we navigate the halls of Kindergarten.

I’d miss watching you not only learn to swim but also how to do a cannonball with the best of them, splashing everyone in the process.

I’d miss watching you play ball and rooting you on from the bleachers while mumbling under my breath to your Daddy when I disagree with the umpire’s call.

I’d miss seeing you come to know God and Jesus, grow in your faith, and walk the waters of baptism.

I’d miss watching the relationship with your sister change as you both grow older, sometimes drawing closer, other times pulling away, but hopefully always coming back together with an unshakable bond.

I’d miss the first time you feign disinterest in a girl when I know full well you are interested in her.

I’d miss seeing you all dressed up, ready for your first school dance, a combination of excitement and nervousness playing in your eyes.

I’d miss grabbing the car door handle in a death grip, while simultaneously biting my tongue over the inequity of me being in the passenger seat instead of your Daddy, as you learn to drive.

I’d miss seeing the young man you will become.  The graduations.  The new jobs.

I’d miss the excitement in your eyes when you come home and tell me you’ve found “the one.”

I’d miss slow dancing with you, only this time on that dance floor, your new bride a few feet away, rather than in this old, yellow rocking chair.

I’d miss the chance to rock your babies back and forth, back and forth while the moonlight peaks through the blinds.

I would miss so much if time stood still.

And yet, rocking you, I will miss this.  I don’t want to see it go.  But with everything in life, there is a season.  And when the sun sets on this season of our life together, I will grieve.  But that new day will dawn bright and glorious, and a new season will unfold, full of joys and hugs and laughter.  And I will embrace it, and especially you, all the more.

11 thoughts on “Soon There Will Be A Last Time

  1. Marietta Smith

    One of these days I am going to sit down in the rocking chair I rocked my now 45 year old baby in and ask him to sit on my lap again. It will be a chair full and as you say, not in the same way as when he first sat in my lap there. But I will ask him to sit down and lean his head back on my shoulder just one more time.

    Take all the time you want to take with your children. There’ll be plenty of time later on for you to keep a perfect house and do all those things you want to do.

    Like

    1. Marietta, I love this message so much, and I hope that you will get your “baby” to come sit with you one more time! You’re right that there will be plenty of time for the perfect house and all of the other things…and even if there isn’t I know these things don’t really matter. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom with me. I appreciate it so much and always love hearing from you!

      Like

  2. Debbie

    Isn’t it sad how we never know when it will be the “last time” our babies let us baby them? I have two grown men now, and grands to love on, but I still miss when my boys were babies. Love them hard mamas!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Debbie, you are so right. We never know when the last time will be the “last” time, do we? I’ve been thinking about that more and more these days as I watch mine grow. I’m thankful that you now have grands to love on! What a joy that must be! But as you said, I know you still miss your “babies” being babies. Thank you for taking the time to read and to share your thoughts!

      Like

  3. Emma

    Sitting in the rocking chair of a dark nursery room , watching my 8 week old baby wriggle and squirm willing him to sleep . But reading this has brought that sweet baby boy into my arms and we’re just going to rock and cuddle and appreciate him being this small.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Theresa Meacham

    I have four grown children and am now raising three grandchildren. Needless to say, at 60 years old, I am exhausted most of the time. I never imagined I would be doing this again at my age, but they need me and my husband. As I watch them grow up, I often wonder what their lives would have been like if they had stayed with their birth parents (my daughter and her husband). I know it wouldn’t have been good. So with the frustration and weariness of doing this again at my age, I try to remind myself that God is with me and I can do this. I need to stop complaining and just do what I have been called to do. I may be the oldest mom making comments on your blog, but I probably have the most experience! It’s hard. It’s crazy at times. It’s very challenging, to say the least. But they need us and we will be there for them as long as God allows. Thank you for reminding me that this is not a job, it’s a privilege. Even an old mom is never too old to learn.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Theresa, I hear you that it’s hard and challenging right now. I think it’s okay to feel the frustrations, for I truly believe that God understands. He understands when we’re sad, broken-hearted, or exhausted. Scripture tells us that we can carry all of our burdens to Him and that He cares for us. Having children and grandchildren is a privilege, and there is so much beauty and reward that comes with rearing them. But it’s also hard at times, and I think it’s okay for us to say that. I am praying for your family right now. For you and your husband, your children, and your grandchildren. And you are right…God is with you in this. He is with us, and we can trust in the knowledge that we can “do all things through Christ who gives us strength.” (Phil 4:13) Thank you for being here and taking the time to share your story.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s